i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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