Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
