how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
