I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
