I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
