Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
