I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
