Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you will always have a special place in my vag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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