I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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