no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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