I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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