I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
