Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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