I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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