:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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