just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
