when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
