Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
