I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
