Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you traded sex for a burrito?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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