I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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