If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
