I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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