remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
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Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...