Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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