guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
