just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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