Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just pee around me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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