never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
