Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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