She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
