my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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I need you to use more vowels.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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