if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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