honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
They took my balls.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
