found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
