If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Two words: blizzard sex
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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