I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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