i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
