I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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