i just wanna soil my oats bro
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's rum buckets o'clock
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
