His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
