Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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