i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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