well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
