I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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