He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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