I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
