i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
