There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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