Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Im part way to drunk.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
