Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
