opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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