Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
